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GAY
DATING
Everyone
who's ever been on a bad date (can I see a show of hands please?)
knows about common body-language signs and what they mean. Crossed
arms. Eyes averted. Fidgety hand movements. Bodies contorted and
shifted in opposite directions, as if repellent magnetic forces
were at work.
Body
language can be a powerful communications tool. If you believe
behavioral science studies, upwards of 80 percent of all
communication is nonverbal. All you have to do is look to the
animal kingdom to see how rules of attraction are acted out via
body language. Male peacocks show their colorful plumes. Lions
fight each other to show sheer brute strength. Wall Street brokers
reach deep in their pockets to draw their American Express Gold
Cards to pay for the costly premating meal at Nobu.
Male
and female courting rituals have always included these nonverbal
signs of attraction. Awkward behavior induced by hormonal surges
has affected dating traditions forever. Traditionally, men have
been the pursuers, the hunters. Women have been the pursued, the
selectors. Nature's explanation of this-that it is most beneficial
for the continuation of the species for men to plant their seed as
wide and as often as possible, and for women to be selective in
choosing the strongest mates-fulfills the straight world's notion
of "survival of the fittest" theory.
"Survival
of the fittest" takes on a whole new approach in the gay male
world-"fittest" becomes more than a metaphor. It means
that those with the best faces and physiques have the greatest
power. And it means that gay men, while traditionally the hunters,
must find a way to be both the hunters and the hunted. Successful
hunters cannot be too obvious in their pursuit. The hunted cannot
be too fey in their selection. Ah, there's the rub.
To
paraphrase Dr. Seuss, "Oh, the extent to which we'll
go!" describes what some guys will do in their pursuit of a
man. Eric, a handsome thirty-two-year-old sportswriter, developed
a crush on Jess, a drop-dead handsome real estate agent, at an
open house. As Eric put it, "I met this realtor, and even
though I wasn't in the market yet to buy a home, I would've bought
a year's supply of Barbie hair clips from this guy. I started
frequenting open houses he hosted, regardless of the price range
or neighborhood. But, every time he came near me, I could barely
look at him."
Jess
was friendly to Eric, but businesslike. Over the next four weeks,
Eric thought he was being subtle and cool by just showing up and
making small talk so that if things were to develop, they'd have a
chance. Sometimes he would casually ask Jess about one of the
properties, which ranged from a one-bedroom in the low $100,000
range to a million-dollar town house. Other times, he would be too
shy to say anything at all. Maximizing body language does not mean
standing frozen like an exhibit at Madame Tussaud's. When he did
speak, he fidgeted with his hands like some reject geek from a
John Hughes film. And out of shyness, he often averted his eyes
whenever Jess answered him directly.
Eric's
"pseudo-aggressive" dating strategy didn't work. In
fact, Jess the realtor is probably calling Madonna right now to
get the name of her antistalking security consultant. Eric should
have maximized the first meeting better through more focused eye
contact and body language that showed interest, not desperation.
Eric's initial efforts should have been all about getting Jess to
meet him somewhere more intimate for a drink, so that he could
pursue in a focused and personal setting.
Jerry,
a thirty-four-year-old single stockbroker from
Chicago
, had a much different, more successful experience using eye
contact and body language. At a bar one night, he practically bore
a hole through a hot man every time they passed each other, but
the man would never look back. Every time Jerry looked at the guy,
he held his gaze for a few seconds, and eventually the object of
his lust started glancing back. They continued this dance for
about an hour, pacing around the bar like panthers, sizing each
other up from every angle amid the smoke and disco.
After
a while, they were comfortable enough to be physically near each
other, talking to others but with palpable sexual tension between
them. They were standing closer, saying everything that needed to
be said through body positioning and stance. By the time their
eyes locked and they both said hello, they were already in the
middle of a conversation that had begun with body language. No one
had to make an awkward first move.
They
exhibited the perfect attitude blend of "part hunter, part
hunted, part wanting, part could-care-less" that always wins
when you are on the prowl.
It's
essential to maintain interest, but you don't want to come off as
needy, desperate, or an immediate sure thing.
John,
a thirty-nine-year-old financial analyst from
Baltimore
, summed up the feelings of several men I spoke with when he said,
"It's hard to admit this because I sound so shallow, but as
soon as you find out someone is totally interested in you, your
level of interest falls a little." Maybe for men it's one of
those unfortunate laws of human nature, like car wreck
rubbernecking. It's definitely not helpful in streamlining dating.
But that's where using body language can help.
Combat
coming off as too interested by using body language to express
yourself without giving away too much. Let the excitement build
slowly and subtly. Unlike words, body language can rarely be used
against you. No one can prove your intent. So you can maintain
some mystery as you explore and initiate contact.
Given
the laws of human nature, here are seven step-by-step guidelines
on how to avoid crashing and burning when you are in hot pursuit:
1.
Don't tell everyone what and whom you are after. You do not
need the pressure of a gay cheerleading squad "rah-rahing"
you on as you make your move. You are not Rocky. This isn't about
crowd pleasing.
2.
Cut your losses when it's clear it's going nowhere. Take Eric's
example as your paradigm; if, after the fourth house, "there
ain't nothing goin' on but the rent," quit stalking the poor
guy and move on to greener pastures.
3.
Don't use lines! To paraphrase advice my grandmother gave me,
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak
up, use a tired, worn-out line on him, and remove all doubt."
4.
Remember that the word desperation comes from an ancient Greek
term that roughly translates to "you'll never get laid."
5.
Remember the first rule of business negotiations: be willing to
walk away from the table. Nothing is ever as attractive to a man
as a man who is interested and interesting without an agenda.
6.
The eyes have it! Once you make eye contact, you need to hold it
for five seconds. Count it out in your head if this is really hard
for you to do at first. But there's no way you are going to pique
a man's interest by speedily averting your eyes as if you were
caught cheating on an exam.
7.
When it comes to body language, imagine you are Baryshnikov
without the leg warmers. Use body language to your best advantage
by acting as if you are a dancer of the first order. Dancers put
all their emotions, feelings, and desires into self-contained
movement and body language. Every glance, posture, and gesture
tells a story. So when confronted with the Antonio Sabato Jr.
look-alike you want to meet, you decide if you want the story to
be "I want you now, I will have you, and you will love
it" or "I am a complete moron incapable of even cursory,
nonshaking interaction, and by the way, I am probably this awkward
in bed, too." The attitude you choose is the one you'll
project.
GAY
DATING EXCHANGING INFORMATION
You
meet a desirable guy and soon sense mutual attraction. You make it
through enough introductory talk to realize he is someone you'd
like to know better, but for whatever reason, one or both of you
needs to end the conversation. At the point where it is time to
exchange information, what do you do?
There
is always that awkward moment. Do you pull out a card and hand it
over? Do you scribble your name on a matchbook with a pen borrowed
from some bartender and slip it to your new friend before he
leaves? At a party, do you write something provocative on a
cocktail napkin and have it delivered by one of the caterers?
It
is always best in situations like these to get the card.
Why?
Three reasons:
1.
It gives you a sense of mystery. It shows interest in the other person, but it makes you
seem more desirable, that you are in no rush to hand over
information on yourself.
2.
You get the control. Were you a little buzzed at the time of the
meeting? Want to decide hours later, after you have come to your
senses, that Mr. Right was a martini-induced mistake, not worth a
follow-up? You can, as long as you haven't given him license to
find you via phone, fax, e-mail, and courier.
3.
No sitting by the phone! You don't want to be, or even give off
the perception of being, helplessly and passively waiting for
anyone to call you.
There
are advantages to restraint. There are also advantages to control.
It is a good tactic to be fresh out of cards when Mr. Obnoxious
just won't leave the party until he gets something, anything, with
your handwriting or contact information on it. But when you are
the one who wants Mr. Right's telephone number, don't put yourself
in the position of waiting to be called by giving out your card.
This
means that you will be the one doing the asking. Once you achieve
your goal and get his card, it really doesn't matter if you give
him yours or not. But if the chances that you will do something
awkward are greater if you get the card, then hand yours over. For
example, what if he asks you for your card first? It will be
strange for you to say, "Sorry, Charlie, no cards on
me," have him give you his, and then mysteriously
"find" one of yours in your left pocket.
Playing
"cards" like this is a "who plays their hand
first" Wild, Wild West scenario with precise timing. The
stakes are high if you wait too long or get your bluff called.
Thirty-one-year-old
Tony, research director for a major pharmaceutical firm, prides
himself on his ability to assess a person's character. But he got
really frustrated meeting men at parties and bars, giving them his
card, and never hearing from them. "I knew we were hitting it
off, so I offered my card because you never know how long you have
to talk to someone at a cocktail party. Maybe he has other plans
and has to leave, I don't know. So I wanted to be prepared. The
guy would almost always smile and say he'd call, so I didn't feel
the need to get his card."
But
maybe Tony was too prepared. Maybe he played his hand too quickly.
And as he learned from experience, he should have taken more
control. When he met a guy he liked, he thought that leaving their
meeting with clarity about who would call was all that was needed.
Tony thought that being aggressive precluded his being the
"happy to sit by the phone and wait for the call" type.
Wrong.
He
is now a big believer that, when it comes to the "data
swap," it's more empowering for him to get the card first.
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