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Healthy Relationships

 

Is a healthy relationship just a continuing attachment or association between persons? Or is there more involved? Once that attachment develops, how do you keep it going? What do you do if the involvement is no longer wanted? What is the best way to communicate? If a healthy relationship is the goal, what is the starting point?

One Possible Starting Point All healthy relationships -- whether they are friendship, roommate or romantic -- have similar characteristics. The persons involved have developed a way of combining the following common qualities in a unique way that works best for them. Four Components of a Healthy Relationship: Respect: Learning about and valuing what is important to each person involved in the relationship. Honesty: Being candid about thoughts, feelings, and the desired direction of the relationship will allow both you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and the relationship. Trust: Over time, trusting your partner will be necessary for a healthy relationship, but in the beginning trust is not automatic--it has to be earned. Always trust yourself to be who you are and to look out for your well-being. It is important to remember that trust is hard to earn but easy to destroy. Communication: Communication is equal parts listening and speaking. When you and your partner are communicating, try to make her/him feel justified in her/his emotions. Repeat what s/he is saying as you understand it and ask if you understand the situation correctly. Never bring up past events or situations--focus on the present situation. Don't expect your partner to read your mind. Be as clear and direct as possible.

Although these components are essential to all healthy relationships, this page will focus on romantic relationships for college students. For some students, college may be the first time they become involved in a romantic relationship. Others may have been involved in relationships before but the independence and college lifestyle may provide them with different opportunities and experiences Young and Single Many college students feel there is a lot of social pressure to enter a relationship. Being single is not only a choice but can also be beneficial. Benefits of a single lifestyle include: independence dating several people spending money on things that you like and yourself learning more about who you are and what you want spending as much time with your friends as you want making new friends flirting without worrying about the repercussions. Being single affords you an opportunity to focus on career, hobbies, travel, and pursuing other relationships, without feeling that you left someone out. Factors to Consider When Becoming Involved in a Relationship Some of the basics are discussed in the following paragraphs. Individualism Although you really care and like this person, don't forget about yourself and your needs in the process of becoming involved. Keep these things in mind: What type of relationship are you looking for? (Friendship, long term relationship, love, casual?) How do your personal beliefs relate to what you desire in a relationship? What activities are you now involved in that you may want to continue doing alone? Maintain your individualism. A relationship should enhance who you already are, not replace it. Understand that change will happen. Over time you and your partner as individuals will change, which will lead to changes in your relationship. Change can help the relationship grow and develop, or it can lead you to the realization that you and your partner are moving in different directions. If this is the case, you and your partner may want to consider re-evaluating the relationship.

Romance As with friendships, romantic relationships take time. Use that time to enjoy each other as friends; many times friends make the best romantic partners.

When Sex is Involved Considering your personal beliefs about sexual relationships before becoming involved will give you a better sense of your needs and desires. Think about where those beliefs originate: family, media, friends, religion? The college years may be the first opportunity young adults have to make their own decisions. Be sure that the choices you make are the right ones for you.

Things to think about: You can have a romantic relationship without involving sexual intercourse; don't force it if you or your partner aren't ready. Sex should be something that you can discuss. It is best to communicate to your partner clearly and directly about sex (emotional involvement, monogamy, contraception, STI protection, etc). Are you simply interested in casual sex or do you desire more involvement? Talk with your partner about what type of sexual relationship you both want. If you choose to be sexually active, be sure that you know how to use condoms and other methods of STI protection. Talk with your partner about possible consequences, such as STIs and pregnancy. Understand consent. Consent must be verbal even in the context of a relationship.

Keep It Going Strong Conflict: Conflict exists in all relationships. Once the excitement of a new relationship has fizzled a little, tensions and conflicts may emerge. Many people in relationships fear that when problems begin to develop, it translates into a completely troubled relationship. This may cause them to avoid arguments, thinking that no fighting is equal to a healthy relationship. However, that avoidance technique may be a sign of trouble in a partnership, because disagreements are not getting resolved. When a conflict emerges, talk about the issue and try to avoid placing blame. Expressing your feelings by using "I" statements may alleviate some of the pressure on your partner and keep defenses down. For example, "I feel hurt whenever this happens" or "I felt embarrassed in that situation". When conflicts arise, also think about: Conflict is an opportunity. The relationship can grow deeper, stay at the current level, or end. Work at resolving conflict. It is not easy. Even the smallest issues can cause big problems. Explain problems early. Avoid keeping them inside.

Learn From Your Past Relationships Every relationship is a learning experience. If one does not work out, remember what you have learned and carry it over into the next relationship. It's also important to remember that every relationship is different -- with various strengths and weaknesses. Avoiding comparisons between past and current relationships will help you focus on the benefits of your current situation.